Yesterday was a bad day. And when I say bad, I mean, like....REALLY bad. And when I say REALLY bad....I mean, yes, of course it would pale in comparison to anyone living in a third-world country, anyone who has recently lost a loved one, or anyone who has any number of serious problems to deal with. But for me and my comfortable American way of living....it was bad.
I was hardly functional. Like, if there was such a thing as pre-partum depression and if this state of mind lasted for more than a week, I'd consider drugs. The legal kind, of course. But, be things as they are, I'm pretty sure I can just chalk this one up to the pregnancy.
I'm not really sure what the deal was, to be honest. I was processing some news I had recently learned about from a friend (really terrible news, mind you), realizing that I have absolutely nothing ready for this baby whenever he or she makes her entrance (all the while knowing full well that babies don't really need anything), thanking the Lord that my work schedule is almost complete for this summer (but wondering what I'll actually do with my time until I pick back up this fall), and dealing with a lot of screaming children....and little sleep on both my part AND theirs. And my feet were swollen. I hate that feeling.
It was a bad day.
When my husband got home, I told him I was sure I was on the verge of some sort of emotional breakdown. Not that I'm entirely sure what an emotional breakdown actually is. But I was sure.
And as we were tag-teaming dinner, the tears began to flow. I normally lock myself away somewhere so my children don't have to wonder "what's wrong with Mommy" but yesterday I just didn't have the energy to move. I cried in the middle of the living room floor. Then next to the Kleenex box. Then in the kitchen.
My middle child, Sienna, was thankfully the only one who seemed to notice.
....she kept saying with a very concerned look on her face. I couldn't bear to respond because, honestly, I had no idea how to sum up into words what was actually wrong. Finally at the dinner table, she got out, "Why were you sad, Mommy?" at which point I still didn't really know, so I just asked her to finish her dinner.
It's hard explaining things to kids. It really is. Especially when you're having a bad day.
As I was getting ready for bed last night, I read the daily Proverb, chapter 29. As I oftentimes am when reading the book of Proverbs, I was struck with how straightforward (and truthful) the writer is.
"A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back." (v 11)
"A child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother." (v 15)
"When a wicked man rules, people groan." (v 2)
And the selfishness of the day came back to me. Is it okay to have a bad day? Sure, sometimes it's unavoidable. Is it okay to cry in front of your kids? Hey, sometimes it happens. But feeling overwhelmed is simply a lack of trust in God. And yesterday, I was seriously lacking in that area. So today my verse to remember is this:
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.